Conversations with my best friend about his current beau, whoever it might be at that point in time, inevitably involve the question of sex. While he’s had the creativity to explore a myriad of venues from Fort Canning Hill to toilets in random hotels, my best friend, Justin, has never reached a conclusion with regard to his preferred sexual role. You see, Justin has not been able to decide if he’s a top or a bottom, and is perfectly comfortable having never explored either option. This is where Justin and I differ. Having explored both the insertive and receptive role, (rather happily, if I might add,) I’ve decided that I am definitely more comfortable with the former. This does not mean that bottoming (yes, it’s a word) is something out of the question; it’s just less preferred. Since we are all biologically similar, it is reasonable to assume that moving along the spectrum of ‘top or bottom’ is hence a choice made on other grounds. I have a friend suffering from piles, but he’s more of an exception rather than the norm. What, then, is the root of this choice? Studies have suggested that nurture, more than nature, determine if one is a top or bottom. There seems to be a direct link between one’s nurtured personalities, and their preferred sexual role. In one study, it was observed that men who prefer to top like to exert power over their sexual partners while those who prefer to bottom like to feel overpowered. In 1992, Weinrich also concluded that early childhood play preferences were good indicators of sex role preferences in adult gay men, further bolstering to idea that nurture, more than nature, determines which role one adopts in the bedroom. However, the words ‘Top’ and ‘Bottom’ are not just terms bandied around on IRC and in bed. Their implications reach beyond that - they are also a reflection of our personality, reinforced with every steamy session under the covers. As such, one’s ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ tendencies are sure to carry beyond the bedroom. Broadly speaking, when someone is the ‘top’ in the relationship, he’s usually the male figure in the household; he does what the man of the house would do, ranging from carrying the shopping to opening the doors. The ‘bottom’ gets to enjoy these perks and tends to be doted on by his partner; think knight in shining armour to the damsel (dude?) in distress. This prompts us to question if the preference to top or bottom is simply a manifestation of one’s personality. If this is the case, this implies that bottoms do not exhibit traits associated with tops and vice versa. This assertion, however, assumes that human behaviour is entirely predictable and consistent. As gay men, we know that this isn’t the case. After all, much of our lives revolve around uncertainty and ambiguity. Our preferred sexual role is not exempt from this. Whichever side we tend towards, it is usually a result of exploration and a culmination of experiences. Regardless of our personality traits, many of us attempt both roles such that we are able to better decide which we prefer. This is of course, a rational and considerate act. What seems therefore inconsistent is when one who prefers topping (yes, it’s also a word) assumes the submissive role. Perhaps the view that gay men top or bottom according to their behaviour is too simplistic. After all, sex is more than just fulfilling your own desires. Satisfying your partner is also a primary concern, and choosing to give or receive is a just a means to satisfy this desire. As such, allowing one’s partner to assume his role of choice, even though it might involve some discomfort or even pain, is a choice that some readily make. Another (more graphic) way to look at it is this: watching your boyfriend pound you and listening to his heaving and grunting can turn you on as much as doing the same to him. Sexual arousal and eventual satisfaction, in this case, comes from knowing that you are the cause of your partner’s ecstasy. In this light, the roles of ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ then become an arrangement simply to facilitate enjoyment and intimacy together. In a loving relationship, it is reasonable to believe that there will be little difficulty in choosing which to be. While the roles of each seem to be neatly delineated at the start, time and familiarity blur the lines between what it means to be the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’. As a relationship matures, couples begin to trust one another more as a result of increasing mutual respect and love for each other. This opens more possibilities for them, including in bed. This could include, for instance, indulging in fetishes and switching roles. After all, what’s a bit of pain when you know that your bottom boyfriend is having a rocking time taking you from behind? The beauty of such an arrangement lies in the fact that it can be made when a relationship has matured beyond a certain point. Beyond this point, couples are also mature enough to discuss their sexual preferences and work out ways in which sex can always be fresh and fulfilling. In choosing to top or bottom, it is evident that our motivations remain diverse. Presented so far are the best possibilities, pointing out the best of our natures and a certain kind of selflessness - even in bed where our carnal desires are supposed to take over our better sensibilities. In the same vein, perhaps Justin is right after all. There might not ever be a need to even explore the possibilities of anal sex if other forms of physical intimacy can provide sufficient satisfaction. If what we seek from sex is the physical closeness that it offers, ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ may not need to be part of our vocabulary. In fact, simple cuddling and kissing might suffice, just like many straight couples out there that never step beyond second base. Justin is currently seeing somebody new and, despite some pain, he’s had an unexpectedly good time bottoming for his partner. They’re arranging to do it again, but this time they get to switch roles. Justin’s definitely looking forward to the sex, but more importantly, he’s looking forward to just spending time with his new boy. He’s not really bothered by the minor details of who’s the top and bottom. He’s just happy being in love and that’s something neither nature nor nurture can really explain.  | 
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